Everything hurts, and I'm dying...literally!

We are back home now after 6 days in the big city of Toronto. When we left we thought we were just going for 3 days and we talked about how nice it would be to have some time to ourselves. We joked about what a dream it would be to sleep through the night, eat a meal uninterrupted, and perhaps the simplest joy, just to be able to talk to each other.  We had a good chuckle at the irony of our "dream" getaway, since the pretense was a tumor growing in my left eye. My husband and I have learned to find some humor in our nightmare situation. After meeting the oncologist at Princess Margaret Hospital and learning that he would start radiation right away I felt relieved that treatments wouldn't be delayed any further but I also felt guilty leaving my kids (3 & 1) for 6 days, the longest we've ever left them. Thank goodness for moms/ nanas! Six days away from the kids was admittedly a very nice break, sleep being my favourite  part.  We got to live the dream, even if it...

Radiation Mask Yesterday I had my appointment at Princess Margaret Hospital, today I started radiation. This is the 4th time I've had radiation, in 2011 I had 3 weeks of radiation to my left breast, in May 2018 my right shoulder, spine and pelvis were radiated, and once it healed from surgery, my right femur received 5 rounds of radiation in July 2018. Today I had the first of 5 rounds of radiation to my left eye. The beam goes out the right eye which I'm told will prevent cancer in my right eye. We had planned to spend only 3 days in Toronto, now we're staying 7. So let's enjoy a radiation vacation! Nana is watching the kids (thank you, mom!), so we get to sleep through the night, wake up when it feels right, then enjoy each others company all day, uninterrupted. A much needed rest, and some time to reconnect with my husband, the silver lining to having radiation therapy. Radiating my left eye.

Around this time last year my husband and I met with a child and youth worker from NEOFACS to discuss how we would talk to Ellie about death. It was the most difficult meeting I've ever had to sit through. My biggest worry this whole time has been how my death will affect my children, and the reality of our situation was all too harsh sitting there talking to this woman about how we prepare a 3 year old for her mother's death. We decided to start by just talking about death in general, what happens, that it's natural, and it's permanent. We also emphasized our family bonds and the connection we share that is forever ("The invisible string" was one of the books recommended). We would wait until the time when my treatments stopped working and the cancer was spreading to talk about MY death specifically. In the first few months thoughts of my untimely death were overwhelming and constant. I've never cried so much in my life (and I'm a bit of a sap!) ...

A lot has happened over the past year. When I think back two, two and a half years, I'm saddened. I was active, we hiked and canoed and camped in a tent. We went ice fishing and treked across the frozen lake in winter. I wore my daughter in a wrap or carrier and shoveled our huge driveway, cooked and cleaned. I had no problem carrying her in her car seat with a diaper bag. I could lift her onto my shoulders in one smooth motion, and sitting on the floor to play with her was nothing. Fast forward to present day and while I've made progress from when I first came home last May, my mobility is seriously hindered. The fracture in my humerus was left to heal on its own (surgery would mean major downtime and a permanent strength deficit, I wouldn't be able to lift more than 5 lbs! Not doable with a baby and a preschooler) so I can't lift my arm over my head, hell, I get stuck in my clothes when I'm undressing! The rod in my leg stops me from being able to rotate my leg ...

My name is Jenn. I am a registered nurse, a wife, and a mother. My kids are 3 and 1. In May 2018, I was 7 and a half months pregnant when I suffered a fractured femur and a fractured humerus, they were caused by large tumors in the bones. My son was delivered by emergency c-section 6 weeks premature. The very next day I had a metal rod inserted in my leg to stabilize the fracture and the day after that I started radiation to shrink the tumors in my arm, ribs, spine, and pelvis. (Radiation to the leg would be delayed while the surgical site healed) Doctors told me my cancer was terminal, and gave me 3-5 years to live. It's been just over a year now since my life was turned upside down.  Everyday is a struggle and a tiny victory. This is my journey, join me. Leaving the hospital