Shadow of death

Around this time last year my husband and I met with a child and youth worker from NEOFACS to discuss how we would talk to Ellie about death. It was the most difficult meeting I've ever had to sit through. My biggest worry this whole time has been how my death will affect my children, and the reality of our situation was all too harsh sitting there talking to this woman about how we prepare a 3 year old for her mother's death.
We decided to start by just talking about death in general, what happens, that it's natural, and it's permanent. We also emphasized our family bonds and the connection we share that is forever ("The invisible string" was one of the books
recommended). We would wait until the time when my treatments stopped working and the cancer was spreading to talk about MY death specifically.
In the first few months thoughts of my untimely death were overwhelming and constant. I've never cried so much in my life (and I'm a bit of a sap!) Every book I read, song I heard, thoughts of what I would miss, it all made me so sad. Then life got crazier, with a baby growing everyday and a busy preschooler, gradually we got more into the daily routine and thought a little less about what was to come.
I have enjoyed being wrapped up in daily monotony, until recently.
A couple months ago I started having blurred vision in my left eye. We assumed it was a side effect of some of the medication I'm on. My optometrist referred me to a specialist and I was caught off guard when the specialist told me it was a tumor growing on (or in?) my retina! Why did I not think of that? Of course it's a new tumor!
So now, as I wait for my consultation at Princess Margaret Hospital, I can't help but think about our meeting with the woman from NEOFACS. Is it time to start talking to my 3 year old about her mommy dying? She's so young and innocent. The last thing I want is for her to worry or be scared or sad. I want to let her be a carefree kid for as long as possible. I really wish I didn't have to think about these things. Hopefully this tumor can be treated and doesn't spread. For now, we wait, the shadow of death looming over me.
A family selfie, Aiden, Mike (my husband), me, and Ellie. Taken at my step sisters wedding on July 20th 2019 (also Mike's birthday!)
Family Selfie

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