Everything hurts, and I'm dying...literally!

We all have that picture in our heads of the terminal cancer patient, frail, thin,weak, but for some it's a different story, at least early on in diagnosis. There is little talk about terminal cancer patients wanting to lose weight, generally it's the opposite. So what about those of us who want to lose weight? For myself particularly this has been difficult. I was 8 months pregnant when I fractured my femur and was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. After 2 weeks I left the hospital recovering from a c-section, a right hip ORIF with insertion of rod and pins, insertion of a portacath in my chest for chemo. I had already started chemo and had finished 5 rounds of radiation to my spine and pelvis. I had a newborn baby to care for, complete with night feedings, and a toddler who's life was just turned upside down. Do you think I  was about to start a workout out regimen? No. So what's the problem now? A multitude of things has caused me to gain weight at an alarming ra

"Did you say run?"  I had the honour of being asked to share my story on our local Terry Fox page. This years #terryfoxrun is going virtual, and in an effort to draw attention and raise awareness locals battling cancer have been asked to share their stories. I think a virtual run could possibly engage even more people than an actual run, I can see more people of varying physical abilities getting involved. I do hope they have a great turn out this year. Please follow the link to read my story and others. And consider participating in this years #terryfoxrun. https://www.facebook.com/106193827382076/posts/314586076542849/

  This week my daughter lost her first 2 teeth. She was thrilled that the tooth fairy would come, I was thrilled that I could be her toothfairy. Parents are always proud when their children have a first anything, as they should be. But when you know you will likely miss out on most of those firsts it means even more to witness them. In 2018 I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer metastasized to the bone, I was told it was terminal and that I had 3-5 years. With a newborn and a 2 yr old I was devastated at the thought of them growing up without me. The thought of all the things I would miss out on broke my heart, and still does. But, I got to be the toothfairy twice this week. I got to hear the excitement in her voice, see the joy in her eyes. It's these moments shared that I cherish.

 And just like that, we snap to our new normal! After 4 months of being home all together, last week my husband went back to work and the kids started back at daycare. I have to say, the quarantine came at a good time, I was in a dark place prior to that, in a lot of pain and not enjoying being home alone. The quarantine was good for us, good for me, it's what I needed.  When I was diagnosed with terminal metastatic bone cancer I imagined dropping everything to live out all the dreams we had for our family. You know, the things we dreamed of doing "someday", the cross Canada trips, seeing the northern lights...reality is that we can't just drop everything and live out our dreams, but quarantine was pretty close. We may not have travelled but we did get to spend ALL day, everyday together and that time was precious.  But let's be honest, it was also exhausting and now that we are back to a new normal this Mama is ready to take some time for herself.  As we all SNAP

Self love selfie I had a revelation today, I've seen this "every body is a good body" thing, and it's had me thinking about body image. For my daughter's  sake (and my son) I point out how amazing bodies are, like that mine grew two babies. But if I'm being honest I've had a lot of trouble feeling many positive things towards my body. Let's face it, this body isn't scoring high on functionality, it's not as thin or beautiful as it once was, 40 lbs later and a bunch more scars, this menopausal vessel is not what I pictured for myself at the "ripe old age" of 32! But today I realized despite all that, that my body is keeping me alive through stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, allowing me more time with my loved ones, so I think maybe it is a good body. On top of that, even with the many bone tumors, I still healed successfully from a second hip surgery.  You see that? Even the bodies that kill you prematurely are good bodies. We

When you dont have icing you use #nutella Happy Easter! I hope everyone is practicing #physical distancing, despite how hard it can be. Remember #stayathome #CANCERandCOVID Mama and baby bunny We have been in quarantine for what seems like forever 😆 And it's impossible to keep up with the messes! Those plans I had to be productive and finish little projects...not a super success. But, I read an article that said now is NOT the time to make projects of ourselves, so I'll try to go easy on myself. Maybe you want to go easy on yourself? She LOVES sprinkles! Despite being exhausted and sore I'm enjoying lock down. When I was diagnosed I imagined my family spending time together, I imagined us doing all the things we had said we would do when the kids were a bit bigger. Things like a road trip to the coast or travel to Europe, go to some iconic American location or even take a nice all inclusive trip somewhere warm.  A #bucketlist if you will. I was dis

How is social isolation treating you? I keep losing track of the day/date, and at times my kids start to get a little too crazy for my sanity, but otherwise we're doing alright. We have admittedly watched far more TV than we should (the kids are lucky if they get 30 mins maybe 4x/week usually, but that's gone right out the window!) What kind of activities have you done to keep busy? Post a pic or leave a comment down below. Here kitty, kitty, kitty! We learned that Ellie loves Perler beads! And of course we have painted, and made lots of crafts. Ellie even made some claydough bunny sculptures of our whole family. We also had some sensory fun with kinetic sand, floam, playdough, silly putty...that was mostly for Aiden, but we all enjoyed it. COVID K-9teen & Rainbow Kitty We make sure to get some outdoor time every day, play soccer, splash in puddles, attempt a last few slides in the toboggan  before all the snow melts. Everybody loves jumping in muddy puddl

Ok, this is about to get real, it may seem dark to some of you (fair warning) but I've got to get this out there. I was 23 years old the first time I as diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma of the left breast. I had been married just six months. I knew I wanted children for sure, but not right away. Doctors were great and advised me that if I wanted to have kids in the future I should preserve my embryos before starting treatment, which we did (I'm an ocotomom 🤣). And my oncologist did mention that IF my cancer ever came back it would not be treatable, and yes I was told choosing to have kids would be a risk that I assume. But here's the thing, at no point in my mind did I make a connection between not treatable and terminal. I just figured someday, when I was old, if it came back I would just have a double mastectomy, a hysterectomy/oophorectomy and be done with it. It wouldn't matter anyway because I'd be older, I'd be done nursing my kids, I'd

This is Ellie's very first March Beak and I wanted it to be a memorable one. Amid all the stress of coronavirus isolation I decided a week in a hotel room with Mama couldn't hurt. Even better, Matante is joining us for our #GIRLS WEEK!  These are the moments I live for, the moments I hope Ellie remembers long after I'm gone (I'll take lots of pictures to help). We hit the road, Happy St-Pat's!🍀 Mama may have gone a bit nuts at the dollar store buying toys and books and games and snacks for a week of hotel isolation. I also made sure to bring everything needed to sanitize our room (done promptly on arrival), brought our own pillows and sheets, water bottles and lunch bags to pack snacks so we dont have to accept anything from a potentially infected person. And of course a personal hand sanitizer attached to the lunch box to sanitize before eating.   Our entertainement Our snacks  Our GIANT badminton Sadly the pool is closed due to COVID19,

In May 2018 doctors stabilized my right femur (where large tumors from the breast cancer spreading to the bone caused it to break) with the insertion of a metal rod and pins.  Just over a year later my femur fractured again so in November 2019 I had a second surgery. It's been 3 months now and I'm happy the second surgery appears to be healing better than the first. I do wish there would have been time to do the hemiarthroplasty with a bi-polar implant the first time but I know that wasn't an option. But now, I know the difference and my "new hip" is much better than the rod. PT last week said I was progressing well and I thought so too. But even this great progress is nowhere near the strength and mobility that I had just two and an half years ago. Cool, I can struggle enough to get both my socks on!(most of the time) But not that long ago I could run and jump, I could hike a mountain 9 months pregnant, I could flop down on the floor and just as easily h

Aloha I loved Hawaii! What a great get away, with a wonderful group of women. What's not to love? Sunshine, lush scenery, good food, hot tubs and pools, it was an amazing vacation. How nice it was to take care of just me for a week. Nana and Papa kept Aiden while I was away. Daddy and Ellie spent some quality time together. It worked out perfectly. Feel the warmth hile in Hawaii I saw lots of families with small kids, and I started thinking about planning a family vacation. Where would we go? Hawaii was nice but I don't think 12+ hours of travel would be my first choice. What would we do for fun? We would have to find a destination that has activities for toddlers and preschoolers. Of course Walt Disney World comes to mind, it would be perfect, but that's a tad pricey.  If anyone has ideas of where to go for a fun family vacation with 2 young children let me know in the comments. Ohana This got me thinking, there should be a "make a wish" typ

As I walked around the house this morning making sure everything was tidy and clean before my time away, I caught myself smiling at these two adorable little faces staring back at me. Oh how I love them! And I'm going to miss them so. Not just for the next ten days while I'm away with great friends, but when I'm gone. OK, I know, I won't really miss them because I'll be dead, but I'll miss not missing them (if that makes sense). My heart breaks when I think about all the things I won't see or do with them. All the firsts I will miss, all the stories I won't get to share, snuggles we won't have, all of it! I'll miss it all when I'm dead. Thinking of it makes me miss it, even now! I'll even miss the hard days, you now, the ones that require ALL the coffee! Yes, I will miss it all when I'm dead. But for the next ten days I think I'll just miss their cute faces, I can do without the stress for a few!  Time to get ready

...there is light. While I do have new tumors growing I am also lucky to have a great team of health care practitioners looking after me. Unlike some, since my cancer is triple positive (ER, PR, HER2) I have more treatment options as well. I am also lucky that the surgery on my leg seems to have helped and in a week I will be on vacation with some of my greatest friends, celebrating a very important birthday. So, as hard as it can be, search for the light in the dark, remember the rainbow after the storm. Kadcyla, cycle 3 The Rainbow (car wash version) My clown, complete with babybel nose!

Have you seen the drawings by Gary Andrews, depicting life with his kids after his wife's death? If not Google him, or check some of them out here: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-45893376 They are touching and heartbreaking, and beautiful, and every time I see them I cry. I can't help but see Mike, Ellie and Aiden in his drawings. A glimpse at what they will live when I'm gone. The first time I saw his drawings I really identified with his empty couch. We have a big comfy couch and I love to sit with Mike after the kids are asleep, or read bedtime stories to the kids, when I'm alone I snuggle the pets (shhhhh! Don't tell Mike I let the dog on the couch ;) ). Will my widowed husband feel sad sitting on our big couch all by himself? Will my empty seat make my kids sad? These are the things I think of and Mr. Andrews' drawings illustrate my worries so well. But they also provide reassurance that with time my family will be ok. They wil

Hi friends! Forgive the hiatus, recovering from surgery, preparing for the holidays, finish it up with a bunch of visiting and barely staying awake past midnight, time just flew by. Now here we are, two weeks into 2020! So what will this year bring for the Tonkin family? Mommy gets to take a girls trip for a dear friends birthday. Our 10yr wedding anniversary this June (my wish has always been to stay at Château Lake Louise to celebrate...a girl can dream!) Aiden turns 2, Ellie will be 5. It's year 2 of a 3-5 yr diagnosis (let's hope for 5 or more) A lot has happened since my last post, I've started a new chemo (still every 3 weeks) and a new bone medication. I have a CT at the end of the month to see if this new regimen is working. Also new is that I will now have CT's to monitor the cancer, as the bone scans didn't seem to pick up on new tumors or growing tumors (the theory is that there are just to many tumors close together, on a bone scan it just lo