I take a look at my life

...and realize; I'm not as gracious as I wish I were. I'd like to be one of those people who sees the silver lining in everything, who is given a terminal cancer diagnosis and just chooses to live everyday to the fullest, carpé diem. When I was first diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in my bones, and given only 3-5 years to live, I suffered A LOT of insomnia (and not just because I had a new born) and I remember searching to find someone in a similar situation. One night I stumbled upon a story about a women with children who talked about how her impending death made her a more present mom and how a year on she lives for her kids and makes the most of it.

That's great, and around my kids I keep it together (usually) but can I just be honest for a second here, with you? Knowing I'm going to die and leave behind two very young kids f#@*!%* sucks! And bone cancer hurts, everywhere, all the time. And sometimes I really just want to sit and cry about the sh*t luck I have. I'm 32, my career is over, I can no longer lift and carry my children, or even run after them or sit on the floor with them, I can't go hiking and biking and canoeing like we used to enjoy. And don't get me started on what has happened to my physique!
In the past 16 months I've had a baby delivered by c section, a metal rod and pins put in my right leg and hip, a chemo port inserted in my chest. I've had my ovaries and uterus removed, had radiation to my spine, pelvis, leg, arm, and eye and have continued to go to chemo every 3 weeks for this entire time.
I am menopausal (for the second time in my life), I have gained 30 lbs and lost most of my mobility.

When I had breast cancer at 23 I was all about the "fighter spirit", the "I'll kick your a**" mindset, but this is different. This is more than I can bear, and sometimes I just want to cry. To mourn what I've already lost and what I know I will lose.

When I take a look at my life now I barely recognize it, barely recognize ME, and it makes me so sad that that hurts too!
I want to take this awful situation and give it meaning and make it beautiful, but (today at least), I'm not as gracious as I'd like to be.

Me, with my kids Ellie 4 and Aiden 1
A reason for living

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